An Answer

So the ocean spat him back out

And roared:

“I do not want this either.

What should have been could not have been, but here this is for you.

What should have been could not have been, all that you’ve been through.”

And she awoke, as from a long dream

Knowing why it was she dreamt

Wholly dissected

With tomorrow’s dawn, a drowsy yawn, waking blissful reprieve

The day embarks, on its windy path, tempting warm relief

Bright sun, cold wind

Holding back stiff sorrow

Nothing there, sad skies, dark nights

She cries to sleep, and kicks as to cry.

Hauntings grow ever distant, but never gone

Tomorrow we’ll live, but night brings the past

Will it last, Will the pain contrast. Will these thoughts avast

Once blissful, now broken. Holding on to a heart

Awkward eyes bring silent cries, to those that see the truth

Silence

Silence grows deeper as glances tell volumes

But the volumes grow lower, secrets.

With quiet we glower

Amongst friends, family holds tight.

With only knowledge do we know

Only with pain do we grow

Sitting in silence, growing with knowing. I awaken with solemn glowing.

Has this happened, is this real. Is this life that hurts so to feel?

Holding close, those that share. Infinite distance to measure my care

We’ll grow together, and thrive wherever.

Armour over glamour, warm jackets to handle all weather.

Your eyes my ocean, rosy nose my beacon in storm

I stare all knowing, seeing that which you bear

Brush off the cold and bring you near

Forward sweet, shed not a tear

Justice will find us, I love you my dear

Your breath improves life, and your soul brings it forward

With you, however dissected, I’m whole

Home again, but not there

Thankful for what I have, but wishing it was something else

Off tomorrow, back to there

Wistful eyes, tired lies, told to no one new

Who am I, and howcome why

I’ve sought for shelter, lived the skelter yet here I sit tonight

Lone with the sound, voice in hand

I sit, I think, no longer need I ask

Born to bear, and these thorns I will wear

love a lie

To love a lie

Would you rather die

Would it silence your cry

From the pain of truth

Question and look back

Could it save your tack

Compromise what you lack

Listening to the wind, will it blow all night

Hold me close, it will be alright

Todays Word is luminal

liminal \LIM-uh-nl, adjective:

Relating to the point beyond which a sensation becomes too faint to be experienced.

Yes, it was luminal, here where he stood; at the very juncture between all those heaps of culture - he poked at the air behind him with his elbow - and all this thoughtless sea.
— Jane Alison, The Marriage of the Sea

Why

No good news has come my way in quite some time, but I feel undaunted and fortunate to have a family that loves me and a beautiful girl to share my troubles. The past 5 weeks have been the hardest of my life, yet they have seemingly flown by. As if I am observing the events from above, looking down at me sitting here typing, holding back a flood of emotions that have been gathering for years, with a heavy rain having just passed. The rain has stopped, but water is high and the clouds are still here, and perhaps always will be. As I sit here and write this, I can’t help but feel like I have won some inverse lottery, where I am forced to bear the burden of my troubles and those of others. 

Was this a choice I made some how? Or is it a choice I make everyday, seeking out misery and letting it creep back into my afternoons, my midnights and sleepless nights. Is there something I can do to bring happiness to myself? I am happy with myself, my family is kind and my friends are wonderful, but the world around me gesticulates with excitement and opportunity, only to spit on my feet and turn away in disgust.

Perhaps I am blind or ignorant to the gifts I have received, I am healthy, I am intelligent, I have people in my life that support me.. but I look at others with their fortunes and can’t help but wonder what their life is like, what my life would be in their shoes. Where would my mind be if it were in their head? 

I wonder more than anything, if any of these questions will ever be answered. Will I know if its me? Will I ever find out why misfortune follows me? The answer to the question why has always haunted me, eluded me like the cure to a hindering curse. Why me? Why is this happening to me? Is there something I could do to change my fortune?

Why, come find me. Bring me your answers and show me your face. Look me in the eye, and tell me the reasons why.

Word of the day irony

Today my word of the day was Tristful - Full of sadness; sorrowful. 

Probably has been one of the worst days of my life and I’ve been extremely sad all day. Lets hope tomorrows word of the day is exuberant.

I can’t believe my life has unfolded like this.. and into this. How did this happen?