Billy Coconuts

Why

No good news has come my way in quite some time, but I feel undaunted and fortunate to have a family that loves me and a beautiful girl to share my troubles. The past 5 weeks have been the hardest of my life, yet they have seemingly flown by. As if I am observing the events from above, looking down at me sitting here typing, holding back a flood of emotions that have been gathering for years, with a heavy rain having just passed. The rain has stopped, but water is high and the clouds are still here, and perhaps always will be. As I sit here and write this, I can’t help but feel like I have won some inverse lottery, where I am forced to bear the burden of my troubles and those of others. 

Was this a choice I made some how? Or is it a choice I make everyday, seeking out misery and letting it creep back into my afternoons, my midnights and sleepless nights. Is there something I can do to bring happiness to myself? I am happy with myself, my family is kind and my friends are wonderful, but the world around me gesticulates with excitement and opportunity, only to spit on my feet and turn away in disgust.

Perhaps I am blind or ignorant to the gifts I have received, I am healthy, I am intelligent, I have people in my life that support me.. but I look at others with their fortunes and can’t help but wonder what their life is like, what my life would be in their shoes. Where would my mind be if it were in their head? 

I wonder more than anything, if any of these questions will ever be answered. Will I know if its me? Will I ever find out why misfortune follows me? The answer to the question why has always haunted me, eluded me like the cure to a hindering curse. Why me? Why is this happening to me? Is there something I could do to change my fortune?

Why, come find me. Bring me your answers and show me your face. Look me in the eye, and tell me the reasons why.